This was what I wrote in my last post just a few days before returning to Oslo in June 2016:
Even after this trip I still do not feel I have all the answers to life. Funny enough the biggest questions in my mind still remain unanswered. But it is time to go home to Oslo now. I feel it. I have been restless lately. Not unhappy, but not calm and serene enough. I miss my friends, my family and my work. I miss waking up in the same bed, going to the gym, eating foods I am used to eating and in general just settle down my mind a bit more than I have been able to when constantly moving around. It may actually be that the answers I am looking for are not out in the world, but inside of me, and that I need to calm down in order to find them. It may be…I guess I will find out soon enough, and if not, well, the world is out there waiting for me, right?
Now that I read this today (17 months later), I see I was right about several things. It was about time to go back to Oslo. The answers were inside of me. I needed to calm down in order to find them. And the world is still out there waiting for me.
I never really wrote much about my last trip on this blog, because my last trip became something very different from what I imagined it to be. I wanted to move forward, but instead I was dragged back. Dragged back to the parts of my past that I tried all I could to forget and ignore. I really did not want to go back, but my soul and body were luckily smarter than my mind. They pulled me back where I needed to go and very soon I realized that although I did have a choice of not going there, I could not make that choice again. Not if I ever really wanted to move forward, and I really did. So I had to land, and I did. But it was not a soft landing. I crushed pretty hard. Probably harder than ever before. But this time it was my choice. I decided to let go of all my previous strategies. I decided to trust that there was another way of handling life. A way I was yet to discover. A way that was a lot more scary and completely uncertain, but hopefully more real and better for both me and people around me in the long run. It felt like free falling, it really did. I had absolutely no idea of what I was doing. But I somehow knew it was the right (and necessary) thing to do. I was ready to face whatever was coming my way. I was done with running away and finding excuses for my bad strategies. So I dived right into it. I am not sure I have surfaced just yet (it has been 17 months), but I am ready to come up for another breath. 2019 I am ready for you!